Just a Quick Mission
by joshlamont
Summary: Where you lead, I will follow, but seriously, pick a better direction!
1. Motivation

**1. Motivation**

(Just so you all know, I don't own Gilmore Girls, Stargate, or Buffy!)

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><p>Rory Gilmore cursed. Or at least, she felt like cursing. There were probably a few good curse-words to describe this situation. She should have gotten Faith to teach them to her. Whose idea was it to run around on an alien ship again?<p>

Oh.

Xander's.

Drat!

She peeked around the corner. Argh, more Jaffa! What was up with these guys? Who marched around their ship all day? Place to hide, place to hide… oh, screw it, ceiling again! She leapt up to the roof and held on.

This was her mom's fault. She's the one who thought it was cool to be a superhero. Well, yeah, she didn't know about the aliens. But she knew about the vampires! She loved the vampires. Especially how they went poof. Wasn't your mother supposed to be all worried that you might die? Grandma would be worried. Her mom just clapped her hands when someone nailed a vamp in the chest.

Okay, the troops were past. Man, were they noisy! That had be a thing for troops, noisy. Probably the trooping. She snuck around the corner and through the hallway. Now where would a bigheaded water-snake with delusions of grandeur keep his prison?

Rory grimaced. "Just see what they're doing" they said, "We don't want another Initiative!" they said, "Bring back some interdimensional dish" they- well, Xander said. This was more his fault than anyone else. Not the mission- it was a good idea, and hey, not as bad as they thought- the portal was inter_galactic_, not interdimensional, so at least they didn't have to worry about any hell-beasts. But there's no way she could let those Air Force people get kidnapped and walk home. Buffy would get it, sure. Faith would shrug her shoulders. Her watcher was too green to have any real opinion. But Xander, he'd- there was this look, and it was a specific look, and you just couldn't get that look, because it wasn't that he was angry, or blamed you, or anything, but- you lost something. What was worse was, he'd get it. He _understood_. Which is why he didn't blame you. But you couldn't get that look.

More Jaffa. Jiminy Christmas! And there was no place to hide! Rory began running.

* * *

><p>It had all begun, as most insane things tend to, with a phone call.<p>

"Heeey, Rorygirl, what's up?"

"Xander?"

"The one and only. How's things down in- where are you now?"

"The campaign just went through Woonsocket, Minnesota."

"Woonsocket? Isn't that some kind of Michkta demon?"

"Tribe, actually. That's the town. I don't think the senator guessed a thing."

"Aren't they like bright orange?"

"You wouldn't believe the kind of things a Native American heritage can get away with."

"And I bet it's darn useful during night rides."

"The heritage?"

"The orange."

"Entirely possible. Though the heritage might kind of obscure that."

"Ah, yes." Rory could hear the grin in Xander's voice, "The mythic Indian tracker super power- hiding in plain sight!"

"Worked on the senator," Rory replied, folding up another piece of clothing.

"So no vamps?"

"Crazily enough, not a single one. Something about no food around here."

"If only they'd known about the senator!"

"Hey!"

"What? He's nice and hefty. I bet he'd make a great meal."

"I'm kinda supporting him, here!"

"And with all that weight I'll bet he's very appreciative."

Rory sighed. "So what's up on your end?"

"You know, funny story there."

"Uh-oh."

"It's not really bad."

"That's what my mom said last time she burned down the kitchen." Rory held up two socks, trying to decide if they matched of not.

"Not Sookie?"

"I know, it was the craziest thing!"

"And not that bad?"

"That's what she said."

"Well, I don't have any burning buildings."

"You took care of all those in high school."

"You know those youthful follies," Xander replied cheerfully.

"So what's your news?"

"Military's doing some crazy science underneath some mountain."

"Aren't they always?"

"Involves archeology."

"Even more classic. Remember Indiana Jones?"

"Weren't the soldiers bad guys?"

"Well, yes, but it's still nothing new."

"Theoretical physics and ancient tombs."

"Well, that's new."

"Willow tried to hack in, but they've got separate servers for the mountain and the program."

"The mountain has a server?"

"Run by NORAD."

"The rent they must pay!"

"Yeah, well- we kinda wanna know what's the what."

"And you thought of me."

"I didn't say that."

"You were thinking it."

"You have no way of knowing that."

"Xander…"

"But it _is_ a great idea."

"And why's that?"

"Think of the exposy!"

"Expose?"

"Yeah, that!"

"As if I could publish anything I found."

"Not digging the Lois Lane thing?"

"She got kidnapped all the time."

"Yeah, we were really worried about that when you started."

"Xander!"

"Well, you kinda look like Dawnie and you're a reporter."

"Xander!"

"It's a type!"

"Still not seeing why you want me. I'm all the way in Michigan!"

"They've got Daniel Jackson."

"Rory?"

"I _hate_ you."

"Hey, don't blame me if your mystery archeologist finally showed up."

"He's been gone for years!"

"So I've heard."

"He disappeared right after a controversial paper!"

"One about aliens, mind you."

"So? His analysis of the Egyptian period totally matches what we've found in demonic mythological histories! All he did was guess the wrong source!"

"So you're sure it doesn't involve space-ships."

"Don't be ridiculous!"

* * *

><p>This was a ridiculous space ship, Rory thought, sprinting down the halls. It made no sense whatsoever. She dodged a left, a left, another left, and- oh, crap. She skidded to a halt.<p>

"Jaffa! _Kree!_"

"No, no, no, noc kree! Jaffa _hi'ato!_" Rory scrambled back as the Jaffa began trooping toward her.

"Aray kree!"

"_You_ aray kree!" She dodged around yet another corner (these ships were built like mazes!) and ran into a pair of (non) patrolling Jaffa, carrying their meals. Food went flying, girls bounced across the floor, and the Jaffa rocked back slightly, stunned and surprised.

"Sha'lokma'kor!" But not for long.

"Oh, come on!" Rory backed up a few steps and then dashed at the Jaffa. At the very last moment she leaped into the air, but at the very last moment one of the thoroughly food-covered Jaffa also caught her ankle as she sailed over their heads.

"_Oof!"_ She landed heavily on the ground and had just enough time to bring up her other foot and thwack her captor in the face. The Jaffa roared and lost her foot, but by then the other Jaffa had caught up.

Rory jumped to her feet and fell into a defensive stance. "I don't suppose we can talk about this, can we? I mean, that was a total accident, knocking into your food."

The Jaffa dropped their weapons down to bear on her.

"I guess not." She flipped into the air from a dead start.


	2. Previously, on Alias

**2. Previously, on Alias...**

Disclaimer- I own notin'. Notin' at all! These people, they're the brain-children of folks much more creative than I.

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><p>It turned out that Rory didn't have to drive all of nine-hundred miles and sixteen hours from Woonsocket to Colorado. This was good, as coffee was one of many things she was now forbidden as a slayer, along with pixie sticks, Castillan sverl'tz honey, and Cocoa Puffs- 'coo-coo' just <em>didn't<em> begin to cover it.

They were going to port her in because (surprise!) the government didn't want them anywhere _near_ the military, and creating a good glamoured disguise was just too much of a pain. Despite the fact that Willow reeeeeally want a second crack at NORAD's computers.

Because Dawn thought she was funny, Rory's head appeared before the rest of her, and then her hands and her feet, and then her arms, and legs, and finally everything else. She winced as her spleen popped in last. She never should have snarked about how spleens always get hit first. Rory triggered her notice-me-not spell and began scouting around.

First impression? Lots and lots of grey and a serious need for an interior decorator. She noticed the painted lines on the floor and decided to follow them. Apparently, the green one led to… a locked elevator. With a guard. Great, just great.

Unlike so many of her sister slayers, Rory was not an accomplished pickpocket (much to her mother's despair) (and relief) (among other things) ("Are you even my child, have I raised you wrong? But wait- not pickpocketing, that's a good thing, right? You haven't fallen to a corrupt and degenerate youth. But- what if you need it? What if your survival depends on it? *_gasp* _What if you have to steal someone's wallet so you can get into a secret vampire masquerade held by the lords and ladies of the underworld and successfully pass off as a child of the night until you can get close enough to assassinate the creature framing you for the death of the city mayor?! Oh, my baby, I've failed you!").

So this would require some finesse.

Unless, of course, she didn't have to? Rory closed her eyes and tried to push _out_ with her senses. There were… one, two, seven, eighteen… nineteen… twenty-nine- forty-two humans on this floor, no supernatural. How many floors above her? Hrm, people went up fourteen humans high, and- below? Rory pushed downward. Great Caesar's ghost! Jackpot! Whatever it was down below had this ginormous vibe that set her teeth on edge when she touched it. Not like magic, magic was all prickly like perfectly-dried socks. This was more like a vibrating dryer. And… hey, a non-human! Or two…? Rory frowned. She couldn't quite tell them apart. But whatever they were, they were downstairs. Bringing her back to the guard's wallet.

She padded silently over to the guard, inching her hand toward his belt. She wasn't really sure how to do this, since most of Faith's demos involved bumping into someone and she had her notice-me-not field but- wait a minute. The NMN spell, how did it work again? Was it a field or an anything-you-touch kind of thing? If she touched the card and the card touched the guard, would he not notice himself or would he be in the spell, or-? No, think_. You're touching your shoes which touch the floor, Rory_. Either way, if she nabbed the card, the guard should stop noticing it. Sweet!

In short order the guard lost track of his card, the lock, and then the elevator. Rory fell back against the wall, giggling slightly, and feeling just a bit of a rush. _Next thing you know, I'll be swapping wigs like Jennifer Garner!_ This was _way_ worse than killing demons. Sure, you had to worry about teeth and claws and strangely sentient acidic snot, but at least there you could count on them to try and kill you. These guys had _scientists._ Rory shivered. Mad science was all good and fun until it stepped out of the silver screen.

The elevator pinged, and Rory slipped out quietly. She paused. At this level, the dryer-vibe _really_ set her teeth on edge, but it was probably the big kahuna for this project, so she'd better buckle down and move on in. She ducked behind a corner when she heard some men coming. One was a grey-haired guy and walked like an old man, but his movements were sure and deliberate. The other guy looked like some sort of geek, with his glasses and floppy hair and cute baby face. And that hot- no, Rory, down, no dirty thoughts about the geek soldier! They were dressed in mission gear, so it was a safe bet they'd take her somewhere interesting. She began following close behind.

"Danny, _no._"

"Come on, Jack-"

"No, we are _not_ going to go looking for a Star Trek wannabe."

"He's called _Utu_, not Odo. It's a Sumerian name, and I don't see why-"

"I don't care if he's Himalayan! We've got enough trouble with Egyptian snakes, we don't need to borrow trouble from the Romans, or the Greeks, or the Hindi!"

"Since when has that ever stopped _them?_"

The grey-haired guy stopped so suddenly Rory nearly ran into them. He turned to the younger guy in glasses. "Look, if he bumps into us on some mission, sure, we'll bump back, but right now we've got about fifteen different kinds of pompous jackasses running around trying to kill us, and that's not even counting the US Senate! We don't have the resources!"

"But the tablets on P3X-176-"

"Are _old_, Daniel. We have no clue where he is, what he's doing, or even if he's still around!"

"But-"

The older guy sighed and started walking again. "Look, just put it off for now, okay? Let's do the mission, go home for beer and steaks, and then you can start in again on this tomorrow." They walked into a large room. "Ready for the mission, Sam?"

"Ready as ever, Sir!" A cheerful blond woman stood in tactical gear next to-_whoa_. So that was the non-human. He was huge! Well, most demons were, but this guy was in human form, and he… wait, they? Hims? Was her slaydar broken or something?

The demon shifted.

"Somethin' wrong, ol' buddy?" the grey-haired guy- wait, Jack, that was his name- asked.

"I am uncertain, O'Neill. My symbiote suddenly felt… uncomfortable as you walked into the room." A _symbiote, _that would explain the echo! Some sort of two-person demon? But why a blip and an echo instead of two blips? Was the symbiote too small, or the big guy part human?

"Anything to worry about?" O'Neill looked worried. Huh. He respected the big guy.

"I do not believe so. It is most likely simple dislike."

"Aw, is Junior mad we killed off that last brain-sucker?" Hrm, someone was a bad guy here, and the cute geek was rolling his eyes so unless he was evil too she was leaning toward the symbiote. But, y'never knew- the Initiative killed a lot of baddies in their quest for control.

The intercom in the room barked. "Dialing up P3G-489."

Rory started as the big ring in the center jerked to life and _uh-oh._ That looked distinctly _gate-_like.

"Whaddya figure we'll get through the gate this time, Carter?" Well, _crap_.

"Well, sir, the surveys indicate a lot a dense ores, so maybe a mining facility, or the remains of some higher technology."

"What? Nah, I'm thinking…"

Rory pulled herself into a small corner and concentrated.

_Smallville to Morning Light, are you there? Smallville to Morning Light, wake up!_

_Hszhchs?_

_MORNING LIGHT._

_I'm up, I'm up. Hold on a moment. …okay, I'm good. What's up?_

_Found your smoking gun. The military's got some sort of gate going on here. Big round circle, rotating inside. Probably magical, but they've running power to it, so it could be part science like Fred's monstrosities._

_So, dimensional portals, check. What are they doing with it?_

_I'm not sure. They've got a non-human working for them with a symbiote, and it sounds like they're fighting the symbiote's race. But I don't know if they're exploiting demons or defending earth._

_Gut feeling?_

_I've got McGuyver, a hot geek, a science nerd, and a huge stoic demon-type jumping to another dimension. I'd say Boldly Going._

_Ah, the ever-pressing need to visit exotic places, meet interesting people, and then kill them._

_To be fair, the Doctor always runs._

_True-_

"Chevron Seven, locked!"

_Whoa!_  
><em><br>What?_

_The gate opened with a_ kchnk_ and a _fwoosh!_ Aaand now they're going through. Orders?_

_You got that new locator crystal we've been handing out?_

Ever since Devon and the Squishie Duo chased a demon clan through thirteen dimensions and got lost somewhere around the seventh, Willow had been working on something that was a little more multiphasic. _And_ worked through five thousand miles of solid granite. No way some stupid cavern was blocking the signal again, no siree!

_Right around my neck! Mom thinks it's pretty, by the way. She wants one. Don't let her, ever._

_Why not? _Dawn sounded curious.

_She wants to find the pocket dimension Rip Van Winkle went through._

_Ah. Gotcha. Er, probably not a good idea to let her and Spike compare notes._

_Oh, God, I didn't think of that!_

_Anyway, go on through and give us a quick survey. Observation only!_

_Hey, I am a reporter, you know!_

Rory began to stalk toward the gate.

_I do. You're going to stick your nose in their business, just like Lois Lane._

_I am not Lois Lane! Why does everybody keep saying that?!_

_You're a reporter going to investigate a bizarre situation with a notebook and brown hair. It's a type!_


	3. A Girl And Her Prey

**3. A Girl and Her Prey**

So, once again I say, I own none o' this.

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><p>The gate spat Rory out and bounced her several times across the field. Luckily, she was able to turn the bounces into flips until she hit a tree.<p>

There are several advantages and disadvantages to being a slayer. One disadvantage is that, while most people can't notice, to Slayer senses a wormhole is like the twisted most insane rollercoaster ever. One advantage is that, to Slayer crazy, it's the _awesomest_ most twisted rollercoaster ever, and you can actually make yourself go faster if you twitch at the right points. It probably wouldn't do any good to ask how they can do so in a disintegrated state. Slayers aren't very logical. To the universe.

The upshot is that Rory came out of the stargate a full three seconds before SG-1, at a _much_ higher velocity and with no sense of which way was down.

The tree happily provided that information.

Teal'c whipped into a guarded stance when he heard a _crack_ while coming out of the Stargate, but as he could ascertain nothing from where he stood, he returned to a looser state.

"Teal'c, you sure nothing's wrong?" JackO'Neill asked as he exited the gate.

"I have nothing that proves otherwise," Teal'c replied, keeping an eye on the plain before them.

"Huh…" O'Neill said, walking down the stone steps in front of the Stargate. "Trees."

"I am aware, O'Neill. But any enemy would not be visible until they exited the trees."

O'Neill paused. "…right. You keep watching buddy. Carter? Whatta we got?"

Rory, meanwhile, had finally regained her equilibrium, and was trying to free herself quietly from the tree. It would be a lot easier if her butt wasn't wedged in the trunk. Who made trees that soft? Seriously, you shouldn't be able to hit one hard enough to get stuck in it! She froze as the military guys walked by.

"…looks like there's a deposit about two miles to the west." That sounded like blonde geek, Carter.

"How do you figure with the two suns?" O'Neill asked.

"What? Oh, magnetic west, Sir. Actually, if the UAV is correct, it's this planet's northern axis, too. From what we can tell, P3G-489 rotates on its side, which is why one sun-"

"Right, so, we're heading north."

"West, sir."

Rory held her breath as they passed by. As soon as she was sure they were out of hearing range, Rory swung her fists with a mighty _crack_ and freed herself from the trunk. The large tree groaned and swayed, and finally fell to the ground with a thunderous crash. Rory covered her face, mortified. Yes. That was exactly how a slayer exhibited stealth and silence while tracking a potential enemy. Rory shook herself. She still had to go after them and find out more. "This planet"? Perhaps a year ago her mind would have been reeling, but having to relive the same moment four times and then having to deal with all four of yourselves that appeared to relive the moment you're only just now living kinda took the edge off sci-fi weirdness. That, and dealing with Andrew would desensitize you to anything. Rory dusted off her shirt- _great_, those shorts were ruined- and took off after the military guys.

Teal'c was intrigued. He had heard the faint crash to the south (or east, as SamanthaCarter had designated it) and now that vague sense of unease from his prim'ta was once again increasing. He wondered if it were some sort of large predator that had once hunted the goa'uld. Or perhaps it was simply some being that contained a substance anathematic to his symbiote. Regardless, at the rate this discomfort was increasing, he would soon find out. He glanced at his teammates. They appeared to have not noticed. Just as well. This would be his battle.

Rory made her way through the trees, dropping the notice me not spell to focus completely on the sights and smells of the trail. The Slayer came forward as she moved and the world dropped away, leaving only the hunter and her prey. She moved slowly, sure of her silence but unwilling to startle her quarry.

But then something else began to crop up on the edge of her senses. Somethings. She stopped, annoyed. And then hissed. Evil, and strong! The slayer bounded forward at full speed. They would not have her prey! They were hers, and hers alone! Hers to hunt, hers to- to- Rory faltered. Augh. She shook her head. To _protect. _She kept moving forward and focused again, this time with the full force of her intelligence behind the query. _Evil_, definitely, but oddly echoed, like the non-human. Rory wondered why she hadn't noticed any evil from him.

The edge of the forest was coming up. She strained her eyes as she approached, getting close enough just in time to see the military guys raising their hands. She skidded toward a halt and used her extra momentum to leap up into a tree for a better view.

"Carter, did your technological doohickey happen to mistake the _tel'tak_ for mineral deposits? I mean they _are_ kinda metally." O'Neill eyed the Jaffa surrounding them.

Carter grit her teeth. "No, Sir, I'm pretty sure the goa'uld are here for the same reason we are."

"Kegalo!" One of the Jaffa barked.

"Hey, now, you take that back!"

Daniel sighed. "Jack, I'm pretty sure he just told you to shut up."

"Oh. Well, okay then. Bite me!"

Teal'c ignored his teammates. He knew JackO'Neill would never let his guard down, and SamanthaCarter was a proficient and intelligent woman. And he had faith in Daniel's ability to out-talk anyone. He instead focused on the situation. Normally, by now, they would have heard all about their failures and how impossible it was for the Tau'ri to stop whatever plan the goa'uld had in mind. This time, however, they were being ignored. Teal'c narrowed his eyes. The Jaffa were nervous. The feeling of unease had stopped increasing. And the goa'uld here had, in fact, walked away when the feeling reached its peak. The being was here, and it was antagonizing the symbiotes, both hosted and prim'ta. He allowed a small smile to cross his face.

"Jaffa! Kree!" The goa'uld in charged approached. "Take these prisoners to the ha'tak, and lock them up until our lord Utu-"

"I _told_ you, Jack!" Daniel hissed.

"Yeah, well, so he bumped," Jack muttered. "I said we'd bump back."

"-patrol the area! There is something amiss here."

Rory watched as a series of rings descended from this kinda triangle-shaped shuttle and surrounded the humans. There was an intense flash of light, and then they disappeared.

Well- _crap._

Observe only? How did they expect her to observe only when her observees went and got themselves kidnapped by demons?! Or wait, _aliens?_ What was she supposed to do then? _You have no clue where they've been beamed off- get a Willowport home and have them figure it out._ But- augh, there was no way to know if they could. And there was that great big shuttle there. And it had those flashy metal rings. And, y'know, she had Dawn's skill with language. These guys? _Total_ Egyptian motif. Way easier to read than Sumerian. Besides, what more did you need than "On" and "Off"?

There were all those big Jaffa demons, but-

_Lois Lane?_ Rory snarled. She was freaking _Batgirl._


	4. Meeting the Competition

**4. Meeting the competition**

* * *

><p>Teal'c grinned ferally as several Jaffa ran past their cell.<p>

"O'Neill, we must escape quickly!"

O'Neill looked up from where he was lounging. "We're working on it, big guy, whaddya think Carter's been doing this whole time?"

"Learning. We no longer have time for that. Move the first crystal from the right down to the third red slot."

SamanthaCarter straightened up and scowled. "You mean you knew this whole time?"

"I thought it valuable experience for when I do _not_ know. Now hurry! Ere we be shamed when he comes!"

"He? Teal'c, buddy, you're not making any sense."

Several more Jaffa ran by, and, as the Tau'ri said, the light went on. "Carter, move the crystal doohickey. I think the goa'uld have company and like Teal'c said, we don't wanna look stupid when he comes by."

Daniel scrambled to his feet. "Do you know who it is, Teal'c?"

"I do not, DanielJackson. I did not even know if it was a sentient being- but there is little chance that the goa'uld would allow a beast upon his personal ha'tak. Utu is arrogant, but cowardly. Therefore, the being has brought himself on board." Teal'c smiled. "And he is hunting."

The door popped open with a hiss. "Let us be off!"

* * *

><p>Well- <em>great.<em> Just great. Jaffa, apparently, had vampire skills without vampire arrogance. She punched, blocked, and flipped like freaking Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but they just kept coming. And either they were thinking tactically (which she doubted) or they considered her a personal challenge (more likely. Geez, _men_) because they kept handing off their zappy guns before they dove in. Which meant _she_ couldn't get any zappy guns, and that meant knocking out six-foot slabs of meat bare-handed. _Demons are supposed to be strong and dumb or weak and smart, not strong and smart! And if they can do that, why can't I ever run across any dumb and weak?!_

Still, they didn't seem to be learning, and she? She was a _slayer._ The big guy in front of her pulled a move that would have thrown her head over heels about two minutes ago, but this time she used it to flip around him and nut-crack the guy from behind.

"Sorry!" she called, as she used her momentum to flip the guy she'd swung around to the ground. Pushing off him, she jaw-kicked another Jaffa into the air, flipped, grabbed a second Jaffa to propel her up, and kicked down at the air-born guy to smash him into his friends. She landed, rolled, kicked out into the air, and ended up touching ground on the far side of the corridor. _Yes!_ She rolled to her feet. _As Xander would say, Run Away!_

Rory began speeding down the halls like there was no tomorrow. _Okay, this whole ship feels like that big guy, but the blonde woman had an odd echo and _she_… is thirty feet around the corner_.

"Wrong direction!" she shouted, shooting past SG1.

"What? Hey-!" Jack yelled over his shoulder.

"O'Neill!" Teal'c cried, pointing at the Jaffa in pursuit.

"Ah… right!" Jack said, quickly reversing speed. "So where's this hunter of yours, Teal'c?" he panted.

"That was her!"

"_Her?_ I thought you said she was hunting!"

"There are times, O'Neill, when even hyenas can overcome a lion!"

"Well-" They neared an intersection. "Which way?!"

"Right!" Teal'c called out. They turned around the corner. "She is headed toward the bridge, O'Neill! I believe she seeks to challenge the false god in his lair!"

* * *

><p><em>Where the Sam-diddly hell am I going?! <em>Rory screamed. _Exit, exit, exit, come on!_ Wait, where were the humans? Criminitly, she'd forgotten to run slow! _Focus, and-_ ah, they were catching up! Her brow furled. So, it seemed, was half the ship.

"_Hurry up!_" she yelled when the humans came in view, and started running again. The big guy actually picked up speed and caught up with her.

"Beware Utu," he said, breathing lightly.

"Me?"

He casually knocked out a surprised Jaffa coming out of his room. "The goa'uld you are hunting is cowardly, but clever. If you seek to defeat him, do not trust his actions."

Rory frowned. "Wait- goa'uld. That's… the gods descended?"

"In older tongues, the children of the gods." It was Teal'c's turn to frown. "You did not know you hunted false gods?"

Rory shrugged. "No, I just figured, hey, evil. False god, though, that shouldn't be too hard. Definitely easier than real ones."

"I see." Teal'c looked ahead thoughtfully. "You are a Jedi."

"What? No! I mean, no! I'm a slayer!"

"Slayer? Is that how we have currently outpaced my companions?"

"Yeah, it's-" Rory glanced behind them. "Gosh darn it!" She slowed to a stop.

Teal'c slowed down beside her, and turned. "If that indeed is the name of your species, it is _what_ you are. Not _who_ you, at your core, must be."

O'Neill came bursting around the corner, gasping. "Teal'c… buddy… y'gotta remember not all of us have a snake in our belly to boost things!"

Teal'c began jogging again, aligning himself with the Colonel. "My apologies, O'Neill. I felt it would be in our best interests to inform the slayer of this fact."

"This kid? A killer?" He glanced at Rory. "She can't be more than sixteen!"

"Hey!" Rory cried indignantly, "I'm twenty-three!"

"And you'll probably get carded until you're thirty-two." He glanced at Teal'c. "You sure she's your big bad hunter?"

"She is indeed, O'Neill." Teal'c saw what his friend was going to say next and laid a hand on his shoulder. "I would not recommend depriving her of her prey."

"The big evil thing up near the center, right?" Rory asked.

Teal'c nodded.

"She doesn't even know who she's hunting?!"

"She felt evil, and knew to destroy it. She is Jedi."

"Aw, fer cryin' out loud, that's a story!"

Rory shot ahead and disabled four Jaffa holding guard over an entrance. She opened the door by smashing _through_ the control panel.

"Besides, she acts more like Lois Lane on steroids."

"_For the last time-!" _


	5. Language Is a Ticky Thing

**5. Language is a tricky thing**

* * *

><p>Utu whirled around as Rory broke through the doors.<p>

"You _dare!_" he roared.

"I dare a lot." Rory leapt forward and came at the goa'uld at a dead run. He swiped a zat'nik'tel from a nearby Jaffa and fired.

Jack O'Neill winced as he saw Teal'c's slayer fly past. Those zats damn well hurt! Carter was more astonished by the fact that the thing actually _threw_ the strange girl instead of dropping her. Even more improbably, after slamming into the deck- the girl opened her eyes.

"Ray guns!" she muttered, ass against the wall, heels over head. "Of course the aliens have ray guns, why not?"

The girl jackknifed her body and flipped into a standing stance. "Okay, buddy, let's try this one more time!"

Jack was all for lending a hand, but there were all these Jaffa who'd decided this had to be a fight of honor (_ha,_ from a goa'uld? Who were these jokers?) and had their weapons aimed at SG-1.

Rory rushed the goa'uld again, dodging his second and third blasts. She threw her fist forward and bounced off shimmering yellow nothing. "A force field, too? _Come on!_" The goa'uld smirked as her fists battered uselessly against his personal shield, and began to fire. Rory ducked and weaved, still hammering against the shields until finally, she broke through with a spinning kick.

Sam stared. You… _couldn't_ break through a personal force field like that, they just didn't come down that way! Rory grinned and ducked under the goa'uld's latest blast, coming up with a devastating uppercut- only to slam into a world of blinding pain.

Utu smiled grimly as the tau'ri fell beneath his kara kesh. This was why he did not use his hand device for shields as well as torture. If the shields failed, well, there went your defense, and your fun. Now to make this girl realize what it meant to attack a god. He flexed his palm and pushed the beam deeper into the girl's mind.

_Ithurtithurtithurtithurt!_ Reeling through the pain, Rory reached out blindly. Her hand shook and began to fall. _No!_ She would not fall before the kara kesh, not again! _Again? _She pushed the stray thought aside and grit her teeth. _Up!_

Utu started when the tau'ri's hand grasped his. His eyes widened as they flicked from his kara kesh to her face. Her blue eyes stared up into his, recognition flashing.

"I remember you…" she said wonderingly. And then crushed his hand.

Utu screamed and reeled back. The tau'ri stood up shakily, wobbling for a moment before she closed her eyes and steadied herself. Then she opened them.

"I remember you," she repeated, stepping forward. "The _haje_, the children of Apep-" she cocked her head. "No, even Apep forswore you. I remember, when Ra named his brother Apophis. That was your downfall, did you know that? Apep cursed you."

Utu's head snapped up, his eyes full of pain and rage and fear. "Who _are_ you?" he hissed.

The tau'ri stared directly at him, and smiled. "Rory Gilmore. _Sefetjewet._"

The goa'uld stumbled back. "Impossible!" he cried, his face turning white. "I saw her! The sefetjewet is dead! Ra snapped her neck himself, and then Ereshkigal tore out her heart!"

"I remember that, too." The tau'ri moved slowly, seductively, her hips swaying as she stalked forward. "It was excruciatingly painful. Ereshkigal tore out her heart _first_." Her lip curled. "_Goa'uld? Lok go'ri'uld!_"

Utu roared and lunged forward. Jack blinked as the kid snorted in contempt and quite literally slapped him into the ground.

"You _pathetic_ little thing of muck and slime," she taunted, clubbing him back down every time he tried to rise. "I remember. I remember _too well_ what you snakes did! I had nightmares for months because of you, real ones after the dreams, nightmares from my nightmares! You slaughtered and enslaved and fed humanity to the demons! What kind of god has _ekhzkaseenons_ at his command? Or haddyn pits? Or _gnarls?!_"

She gripped Utu by the throat and brought him up to her face. "She should have destroyed you," she hissed. "All those thousands of years ago, she should have broken the chappa'ai, smashed the urns, immolated the _prim'ta_ in black fire! But the gods had their own plans, and the ascended couldn't be bothered to help their old kin. But that's changed now, oh, that's changed, and I will see space _rent asunder_ before you touch my world! _Remember_ that in the afterlife!"

The goa'uld's neck snapped with a brief twitch from her thumb. She threw him with enough force to break through ha'tak's forward shields, making them crackle with an unholy _scrreeeich_ before collapsing.

She whirled on the Jaffa surviving in the room. "_Who will continue to worship the false gods?_"

The men in the room stood frozen, minds crashing at what they had just seen.

Rory's voice cracked through the air like a whip. "_Swear to it._"

The First Prime of Utu started and dropped to one knee. "_Sefetwonac,_" he said, fist to heart.

The other Jaffa followed, dropping to their knees and slapping their fists to their hearts. "_Sefetwonac!_"

Just like that, Rory dropped from anger to horror. "What? No, not me!"

"Sefetwonac!"

"I'm not a– no, no, no, na'onak! Tak'taur'i! Tak- tak- Goddammit, _tak'sineya'khered!_"

Jack leaned over to Daniel with an absolutely straight face. He paused. "So, what's she saying?"

Daniel gave Jack a kind of half-grin. "Apparently they've decided she's a god- the butcher god, specifically, and she's- well, she's mixing Goa'uld with ancient Egyptian, but she's trying to tell them that she's human and a child of… I'm not sure what that word is, sineya?"

"She said that she was a Slayer," Teal'c stated.

"No, the word they're using is definitely butcher."

"Well, considering how she feels about the goa'uld, I can't help but think the snakes might be a little biased about the term," Jack said dryly.

"Augh, just– just– _fine!_" The kid bellowed. The Jaffa fell quiet.

"If you're gonna swear allegiance, just do it, but don't you _ever_ go calling me a god! I'm a _slayer_. We _kill_ gods!"

The First Prime smiled as he stood. "Then it is agreed. Sefetwonac."

"I just told you–"

"God Slayer. Slayer God. Both sides are satisfied, yes?"

Rory just stood there with her jaw open.

"Excellent. If you will allow me, Sefetwonac, I will inform the rest of our men of the… situation."

"They all get a choice," Rory snapped. "No deaths or slaves. They're free to choose."

The First Prime snorted. "None are free but the dead." He walked to the broken doors and paused. "But we will choose our master."

Teal'c bowed after the First Prime had left.

"I thank you, Slayer RoryGilmore. I have been long fighting to free my people."

Rory glanced at him. "Uh, Teal'c, right?" She blushed. "You're welcome."

"So…" Jack spoke up casually. "Whereabouts are you from, Ms. Gilmore?"

"Oh, um, I'm from-" She whitened. "Oh, my god, I forgot to check in! Dawn's gonna _kill_ me!"

_Morning Light, this is-_

_WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, SMALLVILLE?!_

_Well, y'see, I, uh_

_Oh, God._

Rory could practically see Dawn covering her face. _You did it again, didn't you? You pulled another –_

_Don't you say it!_

* * *

><p>For those of you who aren't fluent in ancient Egyptian and goa'uld, here's the translations!<p>

kara kesh – hand device  
><em>haje<em> – Egyptian asp or cobra  
>Apep – snake god (Egyptian)<br>_Sefetjewet_ – butcher, fem. (Egyptian)  
>Ereshkigal – goddess of the underworld (Sumerian)<br>_Goa'uld? Lok go'ri'uld_ – "Children of the gods? You're children of _dirt_." (Goa'uld)  
><em>Ekhzkaseenons<em> – demon race  
>haddyn – demon race<br>gnarls – demon that flayed Willow in s7  
><em>Sefetwonac<em> – Butcher god (Egyptian/Goa'uld)  
>"Na'onak! Tak'taur'i! Tak- tak- Goddammit, <em>tak'sineya'khered!<em>" – "Not a god! I'm human! I'm- I'm- Goddammit, _I'm Sineya's child!_" (Goa'uld/English/Egyptian)


	6. Desperate Goddess

**6. Desperate Goddess**

* * *

><p><em>So let me get this straight: you killed a demon-lord-<em>

_Alien._

_-demon-alien, and now all his cronies worship you as some sort of butcher god?_

_Knife and all._

_How do you get into these things?_

_It's not my fault! The alien zapped me with his hand-thing and it hurt and I had to fight it and suddenly I remembered how_ _to fight it and all the slayer dreams jumped me and made me do crazy things like challenge the Jaffa to rise up and be free!_

_So you're an alien Moses, now._

_It's not funny! I can't be a leader! I'm not a leader!_

_You know, Moses said that too._

Rory growled.

"Did she just growl at me, Carter?"

_I liked it better when you said I was Lois Lane. _

"Hey, kid."

_Whatever you say, Telulah Rabbenah._

_You-!_

"Hey! Kid!"

Rory whirled angrily. "_What?_ Not now, I'm talking to Dawn!"

Jack immediately backed up "Whoa, okay there, kid." He shot a sharp glance at Major Carter.

Rory rolled hers eyes. _Great, just great. Could you come over here now? It'd make things a lot easier and keep me from looking like a crazy person from the wilds. _

"But you _are_ a crazy person from the wilds, Rory," Dawn said, stepping onto the deck.

"Hel-lo!" O'Neill jerked, bringing his weapon up.

"_He-_llooo," Dawn purred. "Rory, you didn't tell me your marines were McHotties."

"They're Air Force and _ew!_ Gross! Colonel O'Neill's old enough to be my grandfather!"

"Hey!" the aforementioned McHottie exclaimed.

Carter snickered beside him. "You are getting a little on in years, sir."

"Like fine wine in my eyes," Dawn smiled seductively, sliding forward. The grin suddenly fell off Carter's face.

"Where are you from?" Daniel interrupted, pushing to the front. "Your clothes seem to come from a very industrialized culture."

Dawn snickered and turned to Rory. "They don't have a clue, do they?"

Rory glared. "No, and I need you to help, not hit on locals."

Daniel looked up. "Actually, we're-"

"I can't just leave them here!"

Dawn looked around and raised an eyebrow. "Why not? Looks pretty nice to me."

"Because I just killed their god, and even if his First Prime can take control, the other demon aliens are going find out and come here and kill everyone because they can't afford to have anyone doubting their divinity and it'll all be my fault!"

Dawn snorted. "Of course they will. It's funny, for all their power gods sure are an insecure lot. Remember what happened last time Buffy commented on Apollo's hair?"

"And that was a god-god, not a wanna-be snake with ego issues," Rory groaned. "What am I gonna do? It's not like I can show up at home with- how many do I have?" She glanced over at a Jaffa. "You, uh, what's your name?"

"Hairon, _Sefetwonac_"

"Hairon, how many Jaffa are there here?"

"Your forces are well over twelve thousand strong and wield five ha'taks."

Dawn's eyes widened. "Yyyeah, we're not gonna fit twelve thousand. We barely have room for three hundred during the annual slayer conventions."

"You hold conventions?" Teal'c asked, intrigued. "Does this mean that one may become a slayer, or that one might purchase goods appealing to a slayer?"

Rory waved him off. "It's kind of like our version of the Olympic games." She turned to Dawn. "What about moving them all?"

"Um, _where?_"

"Anywhere!" Rory waved at the display. "Somewhere else in space."

"Whoa, now, hold on!" Dawn exclaimed. "Just because I can port five or six people doesn't mean I can port twelve thousand!"

"Not just people," Rory said. "Everything."

"The whole freakin' system?!" Dawn stared at Rory. "Are you _insane?!_"

_You're the Key!_ Rory thought, _You set the dimensional boundaries of the universe! Just… rearrange them a little so our area of space is somewhere else!_

_You ARE insane! I can't just… just… move the fifth trisectional over three degrees and to the right and… wow._

"Rory, you're a genius!"

"Ah, guys?" Jack piped in, "Just supposing for a minute that she's _not_ on the crazy side of genius, don'tcha think people might notice a little thing like a brand spanking new star popping up in their backyard sky?"

"Nah, we're light years away from anyone!" Dawn replied, slumping back against a console. "It'll be centuries before anyone sees this system!"

"Wait, _we're_? As in, 'we are'?" O'Neill asked.

"Yup! Already done!" Dawn waved weakly.

"That's impossible!" Carter straightened, "The kind of energy it would take to move an entire solar system is-" She jumped onto the goa'uld computers and began typing like a madwoman.

Utu's First Prime rushed back into the room. "_Sefetwonac_, the stars have changed!"

"Yeah, I had Dawn move us." Rory said. "It was easier than taking you home. Look, guys, I reeeeally can't be your goddess or lady or whatever. I'm a slayer. I've got duties. So, you're in a new place, nobody knows where you are, and as long as you're careful you can use the Stargate. I'll check in from time to time, but for now, you're on your own. Be just, and I'm happy."

The First Prime smacked his first to his palm and bowed. "_Sefetwonac._ Respectfully, you must lead. I did not bring down our god. I cannot take his place."

"For the last time, _I'm not a god!_"

"_Telulah Rabbenah,_" Dawn sang lightly under her breath.

The First Prime frowned. "I do not recognize that tongue."

"It means Muttering Teacher. Closer to bitching, complaining, whining…"

"Daaawn!"

Dawn stepped forward. "Rory's right, she's not a god- and we should know, we've killed- two, now, is it? Three?"

"Angel bagged Jasmine in L.A., too, don't forget," Rory added.

Jack's eyes sharpened. They hadn't been able to find any proof that Jasmine had been a goa'uld, but if these people knew something about that-

"And they were the real deal, not fakes like the goa'uld," Rory continued. She made a face. "I could have done without meeting Thor, though. That guy was a total perv, and that's when he wasn't challenging any girl he could find to a fight."

Jack blinked. "Thor? Grey guy, yea tall, never blinks?"

"What?" Rory asked, confused. "No, big red-bearded guy, built like a troll. Punches like one, too, let me tell you! I was _so_ glad when we finally whipped Loki's behind and they all left for Valhalla."

"At least you didn't have to deal with Freya sending you dirty looks the whole time," Dawn grumbled.

"What was up with that, anyway?" Rory asked. "It's not like Odin was there to hit on you."

"No, but his eye was."

"Oh. _Oh._" Rory's eyes widened. "That explains the early morning screams," she said thoughtfully.

Jack was giving them the crazy-person look while Daniel looked ready to burst at the seams. Dawn grinned and turned to the First Prime. "So we know gods, and divinity she ain't. But she is a teacher of a new way."

Rory whirled around. "What? _No,_ you can't do this!"

Dawn grinned again. "See? _Telulah Rabbenah_. It's even in her name, _Lorelei_, the murmuring rock."

"Upon whom her enemies break," Teal'c spoke aloud.

"Te-al'c! I thought you were trying to free your people from false gods!"

"But you are not such a one." Teal'c bowed slightly. "Who better to be given power, than the one who mistrusts it? You are a warrior, RoryGilmore. Use the weapons you have been given with confidence."

"Teal'c, I'm not sure we exactly wanna give a teenage girl-" Jack interjected.

"_I'm twenty-three!_"

"-control of twelve thousand Jaffa."

Teal'c turned to his friend. "We are not involved in this choice. She has freed these Jaffa from those who would control them, and her sister in arms has ensured that freedom. The choice is theirs alone."

Rory desperately tried to play her last card. "My mom's going to kill us all if I don't come back."

Dawn's grinned turned evil as she reached for her cell phone. "Not if we tell her why…"

"_DON'T!_" Rory collapsed against the wall. "I give."

Dawn bowed with a flourish. "As my lady goddess demands."


	7. Them Gosh-darn Pantheon Soaps

**7. Them Gosh-darn Pantheon Soaps**

Whew! Man, I dunno about this one. But some of the dialogue was _too_ fun. As always, I own nothing.

* * *

><p>Dawn turned serious. "You still have to call her, though."<p>

Rory jerked. "What? _No_, you call her!"

"Oh, no, noooo freaking way!" Dawn replied. "Your mom's got something like scary mind powers, Ror. She learns _everything_ in the end. Besides, you promised you'd be home by next week." She held out the phone. "It's all on you."

Rory took the phone and breathed. "Okay. I can do this. I can do this."

"All you have to do is make sure she doesn't know it's possible to get off planet."

"_Yeah_, like that's-" Rory stopped. "Oh…" She grinned. "Okay, I _can_ do this."

She opened her cell and dialed. "Hey, mom. What's up?"

"She can't do that!" Carter hissed. "How is she doing that?!"

"Spell phone," Dawn whispered.

"_Spell _phone?" Carter replied incredulously.

"Yeah," Dawn grimaced. "Willow was reading Harry Potter fics that month."

"Really? That's cool," Rory said on the phone. "Listen, mom: remember when you told me I should take that mission in Africa so I could stumble onto the lost city of the Amazons and have them make me their queen unless of course Queen Hippolyta exists? …no, mom, Queen Hippolyta doesn't exist. Yes, I'm sure. No, I haven't checked! …_Mom!_ I am not hiding Wonder Woman! -I don't care! Look, can we just focus on the important part?"

Rory groaned. "Yes, I will concede that Wonder Woman is important to humanity, especially in her place as a gender role model for girls. Now will you please, just, think back to my original question."

"…_Thank _you! Yes! I have been made queen. Only they're guys instead of girls. No, I am not starting a harem. _No!_ You can't start a harem either! …_you can't bribe me with chocolate!" _Rory stared in disbelief. "No, not even Sookie's! _Mo-om!_"

O'Neill turned to Dawn. "So. Gods perving on you. Happen often around here?"

Dawn crossed her arms and glared. "I don't want to talk about it."

"No, they're not Spartans." Rory sighed. "Well, yeah, kinda. Yeah, maybe. …I can't tell you where this place is because it's hidden, mom. Maybe in a few months. Mom. _Mom._"

"It's just kinda odd to hear, 'cause I mean, I could see the snakes doing that, but the Asgard kinda forgot what sex was several thousand years ago."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "We told you. Real gods. Not aliens. Just semi-divine assholes. Well- okay, Odin wasn't that bad. It was just his wandering eye that got around."

"Er, correct me if I'm wrong, but…"

"I think she literally means wandering eye, Jack," Daniel interrupted. "In Norse mythology, he sacrificed it for wisdom."

"Yeah, and lemme tell ya, the bugger developed a mind of its own after that."

"…creepy," Jack replied.

"You're telling me!" Rory said, walking back up. "I wouldn't have slept for days if I'd known about that thing while they were there. Mom sends her love, Dawn, and wants to know if we can send her a strapping young masseuse."

Dawn glanced at the Jaffa surrounding them. "That's not exactly a bad idea…"

"Dawn!" Rory exclaimed.

"Well, look at them!" Dawn insisted.

"Bad Watcher!" Rory said. "No using minions as sex objects! Or minions!"

"Fine, spoil my fun," Dawn crossed her arms, muttering.

Rory jumped when the phone rang again. "Who-…er, Dawn? It's, um- it's your cousin."

Dawn gave her a weird look. "I don't have a cousin, Rory."

"_You know…_" Rory jerked her head. "_Kevin?_"

"Kev-" Dawn's eyes widened. "Ohhhh. _Kevin._" She took the phone. "Hello?"

"You know, the weirdest thing just happened to me," said the voice on the other end. "I was home in my bed, happily catching up on some sleep after three days of shooting, when I get this head-splitting blast from my cousin demanding to know what the hell Eos thought she was up to. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you, _Dawn?_"

"Erm… maybe?" Dawn cringed. "I kinda sorta moved a solar system for Rory's people."

"Rory has a _people?_"

"Yeah, they made her their new god after she killed a snake demon named Utu."

"A snake demon named Utu." Kevin's voice was suddenly very flat. "They're still around."

"Apparently. Wait, _you_ know them? I thought they left Earth like, thousands of years ago."

Kevin snorted. "And I thought we finally killed them off. Damn. Those things are like cockroaches. Okay, I'll tell Asteria to butt out unless she wants to deal with them, but then I'm coming over. Where are you?"

_He wants to come over!_

_What?! No! Tell him no!_

"No! I mean, you don't have to do that. She's fine."

"So she's coming home, then?"

"Well…"

"After all, everything's fine. No need for her to stay, right?"

"She's still settling into her god-hood!"

"Uh-huh. I'm coming over."

"But-"

"And I'm telling Xander."

"But we-"

"Where exactly are you?"

"You don't-"

"Never mind, I'll ask Asteria."

"_There's military here!_" Dawn finally burst out.

"…so?"

"Do you really want them knowing, you know?"

Kevin paused, and for a moment Dawn thought she might have actually persuaded him. But then-

"Everybody knows who Kevin Sorbo is, Dawn. They just don't actually believe it. I'll be fine. See you in ten."

Dawn stared hopelessly at the phone after he hung up.

"He's coming?" Rory asked.

"He's coming," Dawn said heavily.

"So this cousin of yours, Kevin," O'Neill said casually. "He from Earth, too?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Clever, trying to make us confirm our origins. Yeah, O'Neill, we're all from Earth, and yes, it's in this universe, but no, I'm not a higher being and no, we don't have any advanced technology, unless you count Fred's auto-massager, in which case oh my _God_."

"Aw, man, I was looking forward to that, too!" Rory exclaimed. "I don't suppose you can get Llyri to build me one for over here?"

Dawn shrugged. "I dunno. She's got a soft spot for you as much as she can for any of us 'muck', so maybe."

"So, wait," Colonel O'Neill said. "You guys are claiming, what, _magic?_"

The girls looked at him, and shrugged. "Sure," Dawn said. "But you can think of it as natural mutant ability if you want. Whatever helps you sleep better at night."

"And you just… go where ever you want without the Stargate."

"Nah. Just Dawn," Rory said. "I have to use the Stargate."

She blinked. "Speaking of which, how do we use it now? We're in a different location, right?"

Dawn pulled open the Goa'uld database and squinted at the screen. "Hm…" She tapped a few buttons.

"If I could get some astronomical equipment," Sam offered, "I could measure the distance between the Stargate's set constellations and-"

"Oh, I get it!" Dawn exclaimed. "Here." She grabbed a scrap of paper and wrote on it. "Use this whenever you want to get back," she said, handing the paper to Rory's First Prime.

"It's just the symbol for earth repeated seven times!" Daniel exclaimed, peering over the man's shoulder.

"Yup! Think of it as dialing the operator."

"And the operator is…?" Jack asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

Dawn smiled sweetly. "Why, me!"

* * *

><p>Hat-tip to Tenhawk- your fics rock, man!<p> 


	8. Where's Clark's glasses when you need em

**8. Where's Clark's glasses when you need 'em?**

* * *

><p>Samantha Carter was getting really tired of being the person who freaks out. But seriously, come on!<p>

"Sir, that's-!"

"O'Neill!" Teal'c interrupted, "Is this not Captain Dylan Hunt of the Commonwealth starship Andromeda Ascendant?"

"Uh…"

Kevin blinked as he stepped out of Dawn's portal. "Er- I guess I am. Nice to know I've got a fan… thirty-seven light years away, Dawn, what the heck?"

"Your exploits are well known amongst the Jaffa; they are almost as wide-spread as those of the Jedi and their inevitable betrayal. We have nothing but admiration for your battles against the darkness." Teal'c bowed. "If ever you have need, you have my staff."

"Hey!" Jack exclaimed.

Teal'c straightened. "Ah. My apologies, O'Neill. Captain DylanHunt- I have unfortunately sworn my allegiance to the Tau'ri, and I must keep that vow. However, the Free Jaffa would serve you still, if you but asked."

"Hey!" Rory exclaimed, "No stealing away my fighting guy! I need him here, not gallivanting across the galaxy with your warrior buddies!"

Kevin scratched his head. "Ah, you realize that was just a show, right? We made those stories up."

Teal'c nodded. "So it would appear. But your training betrayed you: Even an actor of your caliber could not hide the years of skill and experience of a seasoned warrior. It is unparalleled. My mentor Bra'tac would have mounted an expedition had he not thought it would anger you in the discovery."

Dawn grinned. "~Everyone knows who Kevin Sorbo is!~" she teased.

Kevin scowled. "You wanna start something, Eos?"

Dawn gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"Eos?" the brunette geek asked suddenly. "You're a goa'uld?"

Dawn's eyes narrowed. "You'd better not be talking in Ereshki, Dr. Jackson, because I'm sure as hell not some demon whore!"

Rory rolled her eyes. "The go'auld, Dawn. Pretender gods, reigned for five-thousand years, brought down by one of the eleventh millenaria slayers? You should know-" she froze. "Dr. Jackson? Dr. Daniel Jackson? I've been running around hacking up languages like Xena the space warrior in front of Dr. Daniel Jackson?!" Rory whimpered, covering her face in shame.

Dawn giggled. "Rory, I'm pretty sure-"

"You don't understand, his paper on the prodynastic period of Egypt was critical in pinpointing the Ra'onyig tribal migrations! He's how I found Kehamid's Onyx, and we would have died last year if I hadn't read about his theories on multi-to-monodialectics! The only reason he's not current in archeology is because of his theories about-" Rory trailed off and then groaned. "The pyramids. Specifically, aliens using them as landing platforms."

Kevin winced sympathetically. "Too used to demons, huh?"

Rory nodded through her hands. "Aliens would have been an easy mistake."

Daniel frowned. "That's the third time you've mentioned demons. You- you actually believe in them? As a, from what I can tell, very educated woman?"

Dawn sighed. "It never fails."

"What?"

"We should write a handbook," Rory joked, "Supernatural for Smarties!"

"You can't be serious!" Carter exclaimed.

"No, I'm Dawn!"

Kevin smacked his forehead. "Should've never introduced her to that wizard."

Daniel glanced his way sympathetically. "They got hooked on the Harry Potter books, too, huh?"

"…right, right, the books. Yeah, completely hooked. I had to deal with wand jokes for weeks." Kevin shook his head. "Anyway, the fact that the girls recognize this technology for what it is should say something. Even more, the fact that they recognize false gods."

"Because they claim to know real ones," O'Neill said skeptically. "Look, buddy, we've _met_ godlike beings, and lemme tell you, they ain't gods. Heck, Daniel even ascended-"

"Oh, so _you're_ that weirdness I felt!" Dawn exclaimed. "Wait- if you ascended to a higher plane, why don't you know about this stuff?"

"I was sent back without any memories," Daniel said quietly.

"Whoa, harsh. Had a friend do something like that. What'd you do, try to help someone?"

"He fought off an ascended so-called god," Jack replied.

"Wow, that's like a double-whammy of bastard," Dawn exclaimed. Jack looked at her. "Ascended _and_ delusions of grandeur," she explained. "Which one was it?"

"Anubis."

Dawn snapped her fingers. "I remember hearing about that! Real Anubis was griping about those upstart plane-jumpers at last year's Solstice party. Said he would've bitch-slapped them into next month for that if it weren't for the higher powers." She suddenly got an evil grin. "That reminds me… oh, Ro-ry!"

"Wha-at?" Rory asked warily.

"You should invite Daniel to next year's party!"

"What?" Her tone went up.

"Well, I mean, now that you're a god and all."

"Dawn-" It was definitely warning.

"Well, not a real one, but they let Caesar in every year, and I hear they invited Liam Neeson-"

"They did," Kevin interrupted, "I actually delivered the invitation, but he thought it was a joke."

"So, you know, you're qualified. And Anubis wants to meet Danny, here…"

"No! No way! Not happening! If you want Daniel to go, you can take him yourself! I am not going anywhere _near_ any gods again ever!"

"Aw, come on, it'll be fun!"

"Not gonna happen," Rory said firmly.

"I… thought you said you weren't a higher being?" Daniel asked quizzically.

"Huh? Oh!" Dawn blushed. "Yeah, no, I just hob-nob with them 'coz of… stuff. Anyway! Demons and such, they have existence. You can believe we're misclassifying or misunderstanding if you want, but we're not. Magic makes things like that pretty clear. It's kind of- they're like yin and yang. Nature orders, magic unorders. Which is really simplified and kinda really totally all wrong, but it's the easiest way to explain it. You got here by a wormhole that warped the fabric of space-time. I got here by a spell that warped the fabric of reality. Willow would get here by persuading reality she ought to be here, but then, she's gone native."

"Ah, magic. The drug of the new millennium," Rory commented.

Dawn snickered. "Oh, god, I can't believe how true that was! I mean, it was terrifying then, but Willow, proof that you shouldn't spell and drive! We could start a campaign."

"With posters!" Rory exclaimed.

"And slogans!" Dawn giggled.

"Just say nothing!"

"Get high on pot, not life!"

"Coffee: My Anti-Magic!"

"Don't chant, recant!"

"Do, or do not- there is no psi."

Everyone turned to stare at Teal'c.

"I thought it fitting."


End file.
